The Sporadic and Random Ramblings of Nikki

I spend a lot of time being thankful for a lot of the things in my life, but since there's a whole day set aside for it, I thought I'd list a number of things I'm thankful for:

My kids.
My family.
My friends.
That there is overlap in the first 3.
Having a home that is less stressful than where I have been.
The ability to move on with my life and try to find happiness again.
That I can love over and over, and get my heart broken every day some days, and then get back up.
That I believe in love and that I have hope.
That I have all my senses, because I love to touch and smell and watch and listen and taste.
That I see the wonder in life, every day.
My job, and that it pays enough for me to do the things that I do.
Tears.
Forgiveness.
Hot baths (even if mine are short by other people's standards. :P)
Kittens (I live with one now, and she's just freaking adorable).
That I will have a guilt free Thanksgiving day.
That my family doesn't guilt me into traveling on holidays or in engaging in rituals that none of us want.
I have my health and my wits (most of the time lol).
My hobbies, which bring joy and depth and friendships to my life, and at times help keep me sane.

- Nikki :)

So I realized that most of my posts have been marked Friends Only lately, so if you think this is the most recent post since June, you need to friend me. Well, if you want to read the boring daily dumping from my brain so I can get through the divorce more easily, then sure, friend me. Otherwise, maybe not, lol.

A dear friend of mine from my Ohio Rennie days passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. She and her husband were - are - so special to me. They were there for me in so many ways in days when I could have been alone, but instead, I was surrounded by people who loved me and cared for me, and later for me and my daughter (who was one of the few children around that group at the time). I have always been thankful and grateful for who they were for me in that time in my life.

Gen herself, she was a force of nature. She was strong willed and always knew her mind, and I loved her for that. She would organize people and events, and recently brought a bunch of the old Rennie crowd together for a reunion of sorts. Few people could have pulled that off, and of course she did.

I haven't yet met her offspring, but from all accounts, Gen was a great and devoted mom, and her daughter has all the spunk and zest for life that Gen had.

I can't believe she's gone. Honestly, I think I'm in shock from it. I've cried, and I've found myself forgetting for a moment or two, but then I'll remember, and then it's a numb feeling all over me again. I called Scott when I saw his facebook post that she was gone. I don't know why - it's not like there's anything I can do to help him or make him feel in anyway any better, but I guess I just had to have some confirmation that it wasn't some bad joke. In a way, it involves a twisted sense of humor to have taken her from us so unexpectedly.

I miss her and the rest of my Rennie family, and now I miss her more, knowing that I won't get to see her again in this lifetime. I just spent over an hour pouring through a huge tub of pictures, looking for something, something of her and I together from all those years ago. I found a few dark pictures taken from my crappy old camera from way back then. They all show her with that in-your-face way she had about her. I couldn't find a single damn picture of the two of us. Seems like either she or I were taking the photos. I'm thankful I have the mental pictures that I do. I wish I could share them with you, but I guess you'll just have to paint your own picture.

Gen, you left us too soon, or at least, too soon for me. Call me selfish, but I would have preferred to have you around longer than we did. I hope you find that perfect body (with no need to wear a cast or brace ever) wherever you have gone. Anytime I watch the new Doctor, I will think of you and your devotion to Tennant. I miss you and love you always.

I only seem to post when I'm less than happy lately, and I don't post often, so you can imply from there that I am happy often. And you would be correct. :)

Things have changed on the personal side of statistics. The husband and I are basically separated, although most of our stuff, and the kids, are cohabitating. Funny thing, even as busy as things are all the time and as tired as I get sometimes, I'm actually happier than I've been in a long time. A lot of the stress I was feeling has been lifted. A lot of concessions I was making (without noticing I was making them) are no longer being made.

It's been freeing, and I'm feeling very good. :)

I had two rather interesting experiences this morning.

For the first one, I was asleep, but slightly awake. The hubby rolled over, waking me up, and all at once I noticed that there was a spirit there, lying in between me and him, and as we woke up, it took off, like zip! up and away, and it was gone.

The second was later in the morning, I was in bed alone, and I had that feeling like there was something, someone, behind my right shoulder (I was laying on my left side). instead of trying to tell it to go away as I usually do (or "no, there's really nothing there, don't be silly"), I just allowed it to be there. It came in closer, then it drifted over to my ear (which was hard not to react to), over the side of my face, to right in front of me. There was a cool crisp air hovering there. Having a cold (as I currently do), the air felt and tasted nice, so I breathed it in for a few minutes.

Then it drifted away.

Allegorical...? I thought I'd go take a bath tonight. A hot, steamy bath would be good for me, I decided. I made it too hot though, so I poured in a bunch of cold water. Then it was too cold, and the hot water couldn't save it. So I tried it out, see if it was good enough. It wasn't. So I let out some of the water, and poured in some more - put it on hot. Well, the hot water heater was apparently in the middle of heating up, so it came out lukewarm. Tired, resigned, I gave into my fate.

Instead of a nice, hot, steamy bath I had a somewhat distracting lukewarm bath.

*sigh*

Try again tomorrow, perhaps.

The phrase of the week is This Too Shall Pass. Only seen it/heard it about a dozen times so I think someone may be trying to tell me something. :)

I got this as an email forward from my son.
Gotta love those 10 year olds...


Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of True Friendship. You WON'T see cutesy little smiley faces on this card- Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad, I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey jacked up on Mountain Dew!!!

2. When you are blue, I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile, I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.

4. When you're scared, we will high tail it out of here.

5. When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining, ya big baby!!!!

6... When you are confused, I will use little words.

7. When you are sick, Stay away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have....

8. When you fall, I'll pick you up and dust you off-- After I laugh!!!

9. This is my oath... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask; -- because you are my FRIEND!

***********************
Friendship is like peeing your pants,
everyone can see it,
but only YOU
can feel the
true warmth.
**********************
Try sending this to 10
of your closest friends ..
including the person
who sent this to you .....
Then, get depressed
'cause you can only think of
4!

These things are interesting, but I don't know how much to put into them. Then again, perhaps I'm in a doubting, non-believing mood at the moment. At the end of the day, I am what I am, regardless of what order in which I pick colors. :)

From http://www.ColorQuiz.com/

Your Existing Situation

"Is lazy when it comes to further herself or her career and lacks the ambition to change things. Does not like to put to much effort into things, except sexual activity. she would rather feel comfort and security, than success."

Your Stress Sources

Feeling empty and isolated from others and trying to bridge the gap between herself and others. Wants to live life to the fullest and experience as much as possible. she cannot stand any restrictions or obstacles put in her way and only longs to be free.

Your Restrained Characteristics

Giving more than she is getting back and feels misunderstood and unappreciated. Feels she is being forced into compromising and even her close relationships leave her feeling emotional distant.

Giving more than she is getting back and feels misunderstood and unappreciated. Feels she is being forced into compromising and even her close relationships leave her feeling emotional distant.

His arrogance causes her to take offense quickly. Only those closest to her know deep down she is sensitive and sentimental.

"Feels trapped in a helpless situation and is desperately seeking relief. she is able to find pleasure and happiness in sexual activity, as long as there is not a lot of conflict or emotional difficulty."

Current events leave her feeling forced into compromise in order to avoid being cut off from affection or future cooperation.

Your Desired Objective

"Feels stressed due to her current situation or relationships, and needs to make changes. Looking for a solution that will increase her chances of fulfilling her current hopes and dreams."

Your Actual Problem

"Feeling held back and restricted from moving forward, looking for a solution that will give her more freedom and less obstacles."

Your Actual Problem #2

"Fears she will be held back from achieving things she really wants, leading her to search endlessly for satisfaction and become involved in activities which are pointless."

So there is a significant person in my life who believes that when this life is done, that's it. No more, kaput, game over, full stop.

I believe otherwise.

So what this has meant for us is that we don't discuss our spirituality with each other. I don't bring up what I believe because I don't want to be ridiculed and when I do try to pursue anything that fits into my belief system, I try to blow it off like it's not important or hide it, so we don't discuss it. (And part of my problem is that I feel that if I pursue my body of knowledge, I'm leaving him behind, and leaving someone behind isn't acceptable. So it's better to stay in the dark with the other than to go into the light alone knowing I left one behind in the dark.)

Not really a fun way to live, at least not for me.

So it dawned on me in the last 24 hours at some point that just because he doesn't believe in his soul having a bit of everlastingness to it, well, that doesn't mean that it doesn't. So that's part one. Part two is that I listen to other people and their hearts and souls and do what I can to help guide them, especially when there's an obstacle in their life (which is opportunity in disguise) which I can clearly see the path around. It's not that I'm right and they're wrong - it's a matter of perspective. The person in the maze doesn't see the way out but the one up in the tower can see it and in my world, the person in the tower is somewhat responsible for helping guide the person stuck in the maze. (And the guiding can take oodles of forms, so I'm not advocating for or against anything here.)

So put part one and two together and I realized that I haven't been listening to his heart and soul.

So on my list of daily requirements: listen.